thinking about you…

listening to the music i normally listen to, but now i think about you and whishing you were here… with me. and its a downer, thanks for melding that heart of mine… and for my absolute retard reflexes, ill accept your questionable sexual history. yeah, thinking about working abroad… thinking about so many things, being close to you is definitely one of them. nah, who am i kidding mostly empty anyways, nice and somber… i rarely cry these days, which is good, i also got away with crying in public, but, the cemetery is not the place to do this either… or at least ive heard that… i wanna do whats right, saying im in a relationship and all, had to catch myself, you know what sometimes i have a stick in my butt. i could have resolved that way quicker… anyways, c ya! the closest answers are always the ones we miss!

I posted this under a web comic on game development

can we stop pretending that everything that is work is supposed to be work… some regular ass jobs are casual sometimes too, its like we act like trying to make an internet hustle happen is all work no fun just because people will hate you for making it fun for yourself… thats some bullshit allright, there are people who have regular jobs like construction and they make fun of everything in their job and everyone and have pranks at work, etc. those are generally pretty popular if someone loads them up, so can we just for one second just NOT take work so serious, because thats the number one reason maybe because people have an addiction issue or tend to break down from anxiety, it all just doesnt matter as much as your head tries to make you to believe it is, rarely the survival instincts of the human brain kick into gear, and if they do, its mostly overreaction to whats going on in the normal day to day of the 21 century… probably just being too serious myself though…

Making the most about life

I know we dont live anymore in dire times, dire times in the west look different. Civilization as we know it can crumble and we could be left to our own devices, at times in the current year, that fait could have manifested itself earlier, rather, we could have led ourselves go down that path. Wasting time on thinking about yourself was not an option way back when, you couldnt have made it till 20 if that would have been the case for you. We know from the great philosophers of ancient greece that thinking about life and self wheighs heavy, it is a burden, sometimes too heavy to take, but they didnt have much ways to experience the self, other than shear thought and experiments. Im not putting anything against them, they sure did do questionable stuff, in the end they just experienced great greaf just like anybody else who did questionable things. Ravelling in oneself can put you in that position.

So, what if you find something inside yourself that you havent before, did it make you afraid, were you shocked, or did you immediately argue in favour of the new, what did you find? Taking up the travel inside of yourself, was it in anyway an act of violence, an act of liberation? Do you just need change in your environment? What made you take up the travel inside of yourself? What made you act upon inner feelings and when didnt you go down that path? Is that you? And if you cant tell, do you need some clarity?

Can you even argue for wasting life thinking about yourself, in some way yes. Development and getting your sh*t together is a great factor when you are young, changing up old habbits, thats a good way of resolving that and argueing to yourself in order to achieve a better self. That takes engergy, thought, and determination to do the right thing.

The surface of my mechanical keyboard feels so satisfying right now, I hope I can get across what I need to get across so you can have a more lightwheight soul and experience life more fuller again… fix yourself up! Its worth it!

time is money

I never realised this, I allways heard it, heres what I realized.

Apply what you know about money and saving it and not spending it until it is really necessary to time.

Time only equals to what you are doing right now, if its freetime, okay, thats free, no need to pressure yourself. If its work, your time is allready valued or you calculate that yourself.

And then theres work you do that you care about, that makes you better on the inside. Monetarily it is not wise to put all your eggs into one basket, just like with time, but money has a different dimension as well, the dimension of value, the work you are given, if we are speaking as a customer who wants to break out of that position.

Now, as someone who would like to deliver something to people, but struggles to provide the right volume, sometimes you have to regulate the work you put in… it is possible for anyone to make anything, the question is, is it any good right? Maybe, thats where time spent comes into play, where the amount of experience you have will give you the right hint. Heres what I think it is, you practice to learn about yourself, this is the amount of work I am willing to put in volluntarily, this is the quality of work I produce out of that, we can throw the ballance off of these two aspects to achieve our goals!

Have a good night, its late where I am, 2:22 am!

Catch up!

I have worked on learning level design, or rather learning what are the more sucky parts of it, and it is clear and abundant to me that it can get quite tyring. Its one thing creating a mechanic and being exited that somehow you thought you came up with something unique, its another aspect entirely though when thinking about what that system needs in terms of additional content.

Ive taken a pause as well in between, my efforts engadging with my pears havent flourished all too much and the internet, as great as a tool the internet is, especially for communication, as good it is also in getting people to get the worst of them, just because that barrier between people is there. Can you actually believe, with all the pro human content out there people are still dehumanizing others in their mind in front of the screen? What would you say to a human being if you could turn around and not say anything in your entire life to them ever again after, would you go off on them, be angry, in spite of them never doing anything wrong to you, or at least making an effort to treat you as equal as you should. Not talking about anyone in particular, I just got reminded of something that happend a long time ago.

Communication is everything, so let me talk about the things I tried, I fired the good old coldblocks again, if you asked me when i was young what kind of words i would say in the future, that was not in my mind at all, but I have to say at the same time, I didnt do alot… just trying to get things to run in there, oh well, probably a lost cause, just like so many things in life I wont go back to.

Also, if I ever forget something, sorry, but please tell me I forgot and we are good… dont act like thats a sign of mental illness, people forget things, formulating ideas can be a strain on the brain, without having the pressure of having to come up with something, thats where the team aspect comes in if you have the luxury of that, whatever happend to being a little more relaxed and understanding each others shortcomings and aiding each other, a chain is only as strong as its sum of parts.

Oh if I had the chance to be the one waiting for someone, and they were the one waiting for me, nows the time to let me know, when sh*t opens up, daddy wants a piece of your pie, if you only got to know me ~ past 10 years or so, you are not affected…

So anyways, heres my little post mortem of me creating a little jump and run with GDevelop. I have to say the process of using prebuilt stuff is smooth with GDevelop, its a Construct3 like engine after all, but that doesnt make things easy, you can fully programm everything yourself, but I have to say, in that engine I wont do that. What I learned was that Level Design is hard, and it is hard not for the reasons you think. If I gave you a pack of game objects to make your game with, how long untill you tell yourself, okay, this is a long day of work that I have to put down on paper here, what can I put down for myself here. Whats the amount of productivity that I can jolt down for myself here? Its not going to be alot, especially if you dont know the game objects at hand. This made me understand what it means to develop a game for a long time. Its one thing constructing a game object or creating the scaffolding to hold the data in on runtime but another deciding when to use that object. What if that when happens to happen in a loop slowing your game down considderably, because it allways has to create new variables at every loop, these things slow games down considderably, not matter the dimension. You would be surprised how slick of a game you could have if you plan these things out before… but who likes doing that, honestly, dicking around and finding the right spot to dick around in that makes you productive in the process is a viable strategy in its own right, because you are creating something out of your own imagination, but that is probably not going to be benefitial to you, if you need some idea now, that you can implement immediately that will give you some random benefits that will make your game look like it follows some trends of some games that did well through social media, shouldnt you know better than to do that.

Something else, I have felt stuck, which means dispair, so I just got myself to draw again, which is, I watched someone on youtube talk about art, because the individual themselves came across as a person that solves problems and sometimes the worlds of programming, game development and drawing or art collide with a sprinkle of problem solving, its all about finding self confidence, that is the main reason I do things, I guess.

Its growth, not gradification

Its seeking confidence, not whealth

Its learning skills, not making

Its slowly changing the focus, not turning the wheel around and crashing into a wall

How do you prevent outside influence, then? Well, what I do is quite simple, I write it down, I just write it all out, with all its mistakes, its not something to consume for you its something I do for myself, it helps me and only me alone to get myself to write, to proove to myself that I am capable of doing something, if its writing then, okay, but I think these things blend into each other.

If I can finally find a middle way

A way that allows me for instance to programm a game of sorts, kinda like writing my blog, I am not intending to poor everything out, but I do in a way. If I could make a game like I write blogs, I would still not be working on it everyday… theres an original thought for you. And thats why I do this. Its easy to get lost in the work, but is it the right work? Is it the work that leads to a better outcome had I put the same amount of work into some other kind of work? If I was stricter with myself, I would be much more advanced on my path, BUT there are lessons that could mean life or death he writes… look, if you want to write yourself into your cushened pillow fort thats not going to help me, but, finding clearity is something vital.

I am thinking about creating a stupid black and white webcomic… I have the tumblr account to do it, I am a huge fan of the peanuts, these are kids that deal with the grown up world and they make it so simple to ease into that. I might be young and old, but I am not that old, still I enjoy these little things that have that classic branding on them, like the peanuts have. And thats another thing I am glad about, I can write out things I would have otherwise carried around creating a wheight on my soul, and it would have been something as benile as creating a black and white webcomic.

I am not saying I am perfect, but I am not giving up on myself and the picture I have established of myself in front of myself, but I think I have hit my breaking point before, so this may not apply to everybody, you shouldnt feel pressured to go in any direction. Having to be the one player who has to make a difficult choice, the choice of which my opponent had full controll over in his last turn before giving me the turn. And life, life is not a good oponent, its the worst you could have hoped for and if you are playing against life and we all do in this scenario, having a bad turn means a couple of turns where things are shitty still for you, regardless of what your opponent does. Life might be right there with you or on their move out, its as simple as that.

So, MOVE SLOW, catch every advantage you can have, isolate safe pathways, folllow those and hope they align with your goals. Dont focus on having, just being, the rest comes on its own. Knowledge is aquired, and there lies the first phallacy, knowledge is what you realise on your own, based on the information given, so knowledge is something you allready possess, its called human potential, use it, find out what is yours!

So, the information you are given predicts the things you think you possess knowledge over, in other words, lifes a raging bull, now ride it!


So, what have I been doing? I built a platformer level, and I realised one thing. Theres a lot of repetetive work going into game development, so if we count this as a learning prototype, I should do the same thing I allways did.

Release it, maybe update it and forget about it. I have literally just made my mind up on this, the best is to just release what I just have and thats the best decission I can make at this point. I just got this out of my system, and I need to have more of these moments. Problem is, how do you find out what kind of small ailments you yourself have to get ridd off, in order to improve. So, up until what project count or what kind of project can you say, yeah, I think this makes sense to follow it up with real commercial steps like creating a company and start repeating that process, market it, have price drops and raise the price, I think both are essential, etc. Why? Because I would sell a game the cheapest when it comes out, you will make more money and sell more over time. The price and value proposition cant be beat that way, if you have a stable product that has some redeaming qualities.

I guess I have one thing that seperates me from everyone else in those regards, I dont know how to oversell my sh*t. I dont know how to position myself, such that, people will think I am way better than I actually am, and I dont know where that notion came from, having said that, I guess this is how leverage works with marketing, but you could fall into a trap that way. I dont want to dissapoint the customer that way, or even hook them on my hypothetical game in this example. Imagine this, you position a game on the market better than it really is, or at least thats what it looks like for the first half and then the better half awaits, how would you feel as a player? You might feel a little rush, that endorphine might cause you to buy into the next title. This is how you create addiction, taking away and giving back double. Thats how you create actuall impact when you have an important setpiece as well in a story/game, so where does the addiction part come into play? At every step of your life!

But why? Heres something from me personally that I personally did wrong, or thought wrongly off. This is the point of what Im trying to tell you. You can use the impulses that controll your actions in daily life to create positive habits, so far so generic right? Say you want to create a habit that you need to develop, meaning it still has to develop into a real habit for you, like reading. Even if you dont attain or retain the content of your reading, by rewarding yourself by playing videogames or going on a youtube binge, or what have you, you will still develop the habit of reading and reap the neurolical benefits of reading through demanding challenging texts. Challenge reaps rewards, the question is, what kind of reward do you seek after.

Do you seek external rewards or internal? This is vital, theres a distinction to be had with that and different internal emotions coubled together in that, that will change you as a person and your impulsivity. The more moments you have where you stop yourself and go through things in your head first and continually slow things down, I think the more things will positively change.

The better I can get ridd of preconceived notions, the more success waits. So, how do I define success?

Do you sometimes have that uneasy feeling, when you do something new? You must clearly adress that feeling and what question makes that feeling lingre inside of your gut! If you can successfully form a question that adresses that feeling precisely for the first time, the more you do that, the more your brain will be cool with any sort of answer it throws at you, ergo mastery of the self, abolishment of the ego, letting go of the I.

When I was a kid, loosing was allways devastating, to the point of not wanting to play at all and this is where you begin loosing. That doesnt mean you are behind or lack anything in comparrison to those who stuck around longer than you, but they just had more chances of scoring than you, and it shows. So, if you dont master the self you will never be content with loosing and thats bad. Still I have to say, going through situations you dont like is not the only way of mastering the self, theres a soft way as well that doesnt involve that much risk, or going through tests. There comes a point where you had enough and you want to move on, but this allready happend and noone could give you any guarantees along an unknown the last time and now it is upon you to pull the rope for a successfull base jump. (Never did that, dont be stupid, I am just done having to go through tests and being nervous and if thats what I can work myself out of, I WILL)

Back to the crappy webgame, to certain degree in game development, you can not escape repetition. As someone who learned to code for such a long time, and did not really up the game and just answered that lingre inside of me, ie. unfocused work that pushed me into the “ideal” person and not into the ideal situation, I dont have any excuses for not having something to show for myself. Does that mean I failed? In my eyes, I only did what I had to or struck a ballance between what I needed and what was needed, you cant expect more from people if you yourself arent built that way. That should give you a deep calm, I know it does for me.

A short word about what I made, I used the behaviors that came with the engine to make a little level the player can jump and hang onto ledges and stuff, you can even collect yellow items and it makes a sound and your score is shown on the left upper corner. Theres a lot of obstacles, so you will take your time to find the finishing line, it is not done, nore does it look like anything. but it will give you a nice thing to do. Let me know if you want more, gamejolt allows you to have leader boards integrated into the game, but that is onyl needed if this game hits like a bomb. Untill then, I want to make more prototypes with GDevelop, Monogame, SDL, and maybe SFML again.

I mean it, I was just about to upload my game and then it dawned on me, how much work it is to set up a gamejolt page, I know, its not a steam store page, but what really came to my head is, why dont do it all together, as I kinda wanted to anyways, but not really thought of it as a viable strategy to go forward, and now it seems like an optimal way to do things, have side projects. Its a good way to experiment and learn, but also to keep interesst on the things you are currently doing and to keep things fresh… I dont know, I guess my own mind just limited me, because yeah, why wouldnt I start out with webgames and then release a downloadable title eventually when people care a little more about the stuff that I do. Anyways, see friction can actually save you from impulsive decissions and that is a good thing in life, keep staying in the game guys. Let life surprise you in ways only life can do! Embrace your negative sides, like extreme lazyness and non productivity. Maybe I just need sugar, or something to eat. Probably that! Man Im going to leave this post worse than when I got here, but its allready 10 o clock in the night where I am, so hm, better calm down, these cherry blue switches are probably a sore sight for anyone in the next room… sheesh anyways, thank god for parents am I right? Have a good night or day!

Im going to keep this short…

Hey, its me again, after a long while I am back writing again, this long pause has signalized to me one thing. I am feeling way more positive about my trajectory in life. But in order to keep this up, I need to do something about it. I guess, I will write to you more frequently again. Keeping a schedule will be crazy, but I guess I will have one and I will commit to putting out games on my itch or gamejolt regularly. That means majority of the stuff will not be finished, but hey who cares. It will come out as it comes out. I was allways wondering how it would be actually developing and releasing an app on Android. Guess that will be a major milestone to work towards next, but I want to constantly produce little games/prototypes too. I wanna go back to allways making something. Oh yeah on that note, I have managed to make a simple model, it was a table in blender and used UV mapping and a wood texture I found on to make that, how simple was that. Oh yeah I also realised that people are looking for a german tutorial on GDevelop and I have looked at the recent version of it and I may do some tutorials on that, but I will use my phone to record my voice so that will be okay to listen to. I hope I get all these things done, still need to learn about the new stuff in gDevelop though…

Oh yeah a schedule, so heres my plan for that… I want to put something up the playstore asap, so I want to have it be a tight release schedule… but I hate that too, but I will at least get something, if really putting a date on it will fix every issue with my workethic I might have a chance of making this whole thing a reality… and getting friendly with difficulties is something that I need to aquant myself with anyways, I want to stand on my own two feet in my own way.

Glad I am semi preparing for Ludum Dare… allthough I have seen people prepare source code and art and then opt out of that category. I dont think that is the right choice to do that, if you have a tight budget you need to work fast anyways, and failure is something that you have to work through anyways, and the pressure has never been on anyways for me so, I may as well commit to it now when it doesnt matter… so that later when people depend on your work its that much better, but I guess being solo is the goal so this one is kinda weird, you know, practive makes perfect though and that allways helps. What matters is to keep going and to be persistent. Everybody says they allways wanted to do X, well whatever that is, chances are you havent done it back then and you sure as hell wont do it now, so whats the difference? Well, the difference is actually doing the thing, risking getting caught in your own loop and let life happen and role that way, can you live with the consequences? I sure know those circumstances will always stop me in my tracks, but these times are actually awesome for people who kept themselves and others up, they kept another human being alive and well, they took care of them, or themselves for that matter. May it be a job of sorts they did or whatever it is, and now I am at a point where I dont have enough experience and I need it, also, I think I work better alone and at home, since I am leaning off of the things I learned from home. And I allways thought, offcourse people would want to work from home, but for those who actually do it, it seems like they are caught in a night mare and I can understand.

Point being, regardless of the amount of your creative output, you can burn out, even in the beginning stages without realizing it. Notice yourself, first and foremost, notice yourself and your desires and needs and how they keep you from growing. Keep eating regularly, you need those callories, if you take care of your body your soul will respond and do the same to your mind, aha this person is taking care of themselves they seem to fine, so everything is fine. And, even if that may not be the reality, what really is reality, if you think about it, everybody it seems started out with a job of sorts and if you are in the lucky position of doing the right thing at the right time and having the support of your parents then things become easier, lean on that, you need it! Then you will actually become more thankfull and appreaciate your life and what it has to offer more, also, if you are taking care of yourself, show that appreaciation to yourself and if you do that for or to others, then show it to yourself, count the things up in your head for maybe 15 seconds of how you made the life of a person better that is close in your life.

To keep this short, there is no schedule, but I will leave you with this! This aditude to be exact! I want to get this done today! I dont care how it looks! I want to just get it out of the door and be done with it and if I can do that I will be better off! Dont carry around things like that, you will only block yourself, even if you tried and tried and tried and tried, keep thinking to yourself, this is easy, becaue besides financial struggle which can be subjective too, struggleing with your work is definately a psychological subjective experience. If you keep tight deadlines on things that need to get done you will be that much faster done, logic right? But put that effort in to get it done in time, otherwise whats the point, and dont be harsh on yourself for failing that, but just put a stamp on that part of a project or prototype and just say its done, doesnt mean that it is or looks perfect but you can now move on, that is key, new opportunitites allways awate you and dont think people dont want to have anything to do with someone that has a shotty resume, theres allways people who will give you your first chance!


Remember, I want to get this done, today, tonight, tomorrow, this hour, the next minute, the next second and when you let yourself say its done its done! Be a quick mover, beat people to the race!

How to fix the mouse issues in Ubuntu 19.10


just put the laptop in standby, or sleep mode, whatever it is and let it go to standby and then wake your laptop back up again and there you go!

In detail, click the lock button after clicking on the upper right corner of your screen, then in the standby screen do that again but now click the only button left on the same place. Wait for it to finish, your power light should blink, or at least it does with mine, newer models probably have something completely different!

I just stumbled upon it by chance, but yeah, its there, after installing these packages though, consider trying this method before installing or changing anything on your system!!!!!

For the first link, maybe try to install the apt-package at the end of the advice part, skip the question posted, before actually changing the grub file and adding the server to your update list… 

sudo apt-get install touchpad-indicator

Just dont bother with the second link, install all the packages listed at the end of that page, apt will handle it!

Heres the command i used:

sudo apt install xserver-xorg-input-libinput xserver-xorg-input-evdev xserver-xorg-input-mouse

Consider sudo apt update and sudo apt upgrade after that.

Its only temporary, these changes dont stick around after you completely shut your laptop down!!!!!

Have a nice day!

It worked after trying these guides: